Some people have a natural lack of common sense. Take individual number 1. He decided to go to the pool of a super fancy
schmancy subdivision, wander on over to the deep end (the really deep end- like 13-14 feet, big high diving boards over there and all deep end, not the 5' no diving here deep end) and remove security tape and markers restricting access to said area. When life guards instructed him to back away and leave it alone, his basic response was a big fat "you can't make me". Probably true, but the lovely officers in brown that showed up have amazing powers of persuasion. Now individual number 1, being of not so sound mind and body, recognizes one of the officers as a foe from a previous encounter, and pretends he wants to speak calmly to him, only to attempt to shove Mr. Officer into the really deep end of the pool. Had he been successful the outcome would have been rough, as the officer had on full vest and duty belt full of heavy stuff and all. Pepper spray ensued and then of course individual number 1 turns into a snotty slimy ball of "I can't see!". Enter the local fire brigade. We show up and wash him off. We are professional and polite, despite his antics. I dunked a towel into our water cooler to drape over his head since it was really hot out and pepper spray stings. Despite playing nice, he wants to see just how many resources he can waste in one day, and begins to hyperventilate. "Slow your breathing down, you'll make yourself pass out" instructs one of the boys in blue. That was exactly what individual number 1 needed to hear, and he began panting like a puppy in August after an hour long game of fetch. Sure enough, he passed out, slumping off the back of the fire truck. Great, now we had to take him to the hospital. Even though we all knew he was playing games, he was doing a little too good of a job and I wasn't about to say he was
OK enough to go straight to jail only to get burnt by him when he fell down there and cracked his melon. We loaded him up and transported him to the hospital. He refused to give us any info- no name, no age, no nothing. Now he could hear us just fine, and he could speak well too. He gave the friendly officers a dissertation on what they could shove where, and though it may not be anatomically possible, he proved his airway and cognitive skills patent. I gave up and just monitored his vitals on the way in. He was put into the system as john doe until we can find out who he is. In either case he gets to go to jail for a while.
At 2 a.m. we had the pleasure of being called to individual number 2. Now individual number 2 has a need for attention that is bigger than any rational thought, and he decided to send a suicidal text message to a friend. Well yes, you will be taken seriously when you do something like that, so the full gamut of vehicles with
light bars was dispatched his direction. Any time the scene may not be safe we wait for law enforcement to get there first. Dispatch had advised there was a gun in the residence, so we parked it at a local gas station and waited for the all clear.
Apparently individual number 2 was diabetic. (When someone is diabetic their body can't process sugars and they must take insulin or other medications to control it. If they don't their sugar will go higher and higher and they can slip into a diabetic coma. This usually takes several days to progress to that stage. If they take too much insulin or
don't eat enough, their sugar drops. If this happens it does so rapidly and they can be unconscious in a matter of 10 minutes. All this background info is moderately useful to keep in mind for what dispatch had to say next.) Dispatch came across and informed us that "the patient is a bad diabetic and is threatening to eat sugar until he goes into a sugar coma and dies". I lost it. At 2 a.m. I had tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing so hard. It would be much easier for him to overdose on insulin and be unconscious within minutes, but if you want to gorge on snickers and
pepsi have at it. We never had the joy of meeting individual number 2, they told us we could go back in service, we weren't needed there. I laughed all the way back to station, imagining someone holding a ho-ho to his mouth, threatening "don't make me do it!"